Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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