My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
