I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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