Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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