she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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