Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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