Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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