she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
