did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
