I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
