i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
