Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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