Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
