I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
