I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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