i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
