I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
