At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
