My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
