im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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