either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
ttyl tear gas
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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