I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
