Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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