So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
