somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
