you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
