I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
