Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
