The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i've created a new STD.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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