It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
