You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
