I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
