Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
