He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
