I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
