our cab driver is having phone sex.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
