how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
