From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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