this beer tastes like vomit already
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
