speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
