This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
