so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
