EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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