Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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