I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
