Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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