i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
