Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
