I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
