I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he fucked my hip out of place.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
