I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize