Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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