you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
