Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize