dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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